Isolation and Relationship

From Isolation to Relationship:

Our lives swing on the hinges of relationship, and whether or not we are open to the possibility of it, determines whether or not we are able to be completely alive in the presence of our fellow creatures and, whether we might find life in the presence of a creator. These two relationships have both finite and infinite significance. And I am operating from the assumption that God has been purposefully relating to man in space and time since creation—the infinite stooping to embrace the finite. Also that God as we know him from Jewish history, is relational by nature, and that human beings bear that quality in that they are made in the image of that relational being. But somewhere along the line, the hinges rust shut, or bust out of the doorframe. For some, relationships with their fellow human beings begin well in childhood, and flourishes throughout the rest of life. Whether this ever orientates them to peer down the well of existence, and ask any existential question about their relationship to God is another matter. But then there are those, who for some tragedy of neurotic parenting, struggle within a personality, or an injury to the psyche’s health find it difficult to reach out from themselves to find true relationship. This person may look normal in fact, but underneath any success or intelligence, this person is misunderstood, fearful, and most importantly, isolated. A gift that most take for granted--the ability to relate well to other human beings in a way that brings healthy and supportive relationships--is for them the most desired gift in the world, yet the most illusive.

CHARACTERIZATION:

Fyodor Dostoeyevsky was capable of creating some of the most complex characters in literature, and some of the most interesting relationships between his characters, yet he is known in his personal life for his reclusiveness, bitterness (his epilepsy must also be taken into account) and an almost vindictive attitude toward his fellow man (except for those he identified with, such as the poor and sick). Perhaps he never displayed the same qualities of striking goodness in his personal life, that is central to some of his fictional characters, yet in one work he said, “What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.” An isolated person is often highly creative, highly intelligent, and also extremely aware of what happens in the lives and relationships of those around them. What follows is a frustrating cycle of seeing the joy brought about in others by their interpersonal relationships, the give and take that is required but freely given in friendship. There is a handicap because of some deep-seated personality disturbance that refuses to allow them to be a participant in the lives of others (or let others participate in his own life)—and in a cosmic way, participating in the image bearing of God.

Where does this leave the isolated person? The struggle to relate can lead to narsiscissum in the individual, for when they are unable to make space for the talents, gifts and diversity of others within themselves because of the relational divide, they are left trying to turn up a dusty internal desert in search of few precious pieces of growing life. In such a place, cut off from the reality of relationship by his own perculiar perspective, this person becomes an expert cynic towards the world outside himself. Reality is dictated by what he finds within himself, whether it is good or bad “psychological material”. (Lewis)

But I am not interested in investigating how this person perceives reality, in so much as what happens to a person in this situation. A person simply cannot live their entire life within that kind of isolation when the desire for relationship still exists. Lack of relationship will lead to personality that is more ghostlike, than made of feelings, flesh and blood. If the hunger to relate, to love is there, this person must eventually despair, giving up the cynical world-view he has created to be open to meeting others as they are. But to suspend his cynical world, he must give up. What he must hold in suspension, and let go of is the complex idea of himself, or view of the self created by continually looking inward for life—the explanation he has given himself as to why he cannot connect explained in some other way than that simply, his ability to relate has been broken by circumstances beyond his control. A person who sees their own reality, their own story through the eyes of narsicissum, or interprets the world through cynicism will find this part of the process incredibly painful. What begins is a new and true self-awareness replacing the inward oriented one, which already, because of it’s self-focus, believes itself to be accurately self-aware. (selfishness)

What most follow is stripping of the relentless attachment this person has to the self—or their own fashioned idea of the self. A person caught in the self-defeat of isolation would prefer to express their helplessness, rather than ask for specific help. Yet at this point in a person’s thought process, asking for help requires much more strength than the repetitious self-disgust an addict expresses when attempting to quit smoking, or the self-effacing comments made by a person who depends upon the recognition and affirmation of others in an unhealthy manner.

As this process begins, the Isolated will try to become something in the context of relationship, yet the difficulty lies in a person having enough grace with themselves to realize that a lifetime of isolation is going to mean they will not quickly build good and healthy relationships. This will lead to bitterness towards others, blaming others for their inability to connect—a return to cynicism. Cynicism is the refuge of the disconnected. Ultimately, I think at this point, this individual is at his or her most vulnerable, for the Isolated can simply find some help and move on, content to always be somewhat disconnected from others, or if the discontent and bitterness awaken existential questions, the bitterness will then be directed at whatever, or whoever caused the Isolated to live this existence. Yet, this bitterness and anger if directed at ‘God’, is the direction of healing. It should be encouraged, for this struggle relates directly back to the Genesis story, and the tension man has found himself in, as he attempts to be himself autonomous and powerful, or the Judeo- Christian idea that true human identity is found by taking one’s place as a creator in relationship to its creator. While acceptance of this does not garuantee we will have leave our isolated heads to find relationships that are always fulfilling, grace is built into Christianity, and grace for oneself (despite the handicap in relationships) becomes the only way that person can begin to reach out.